Mind Traps - Part Eight
Trapped by ‘why?’
This mind trap can keep us stuck in the past or in feelings that keep us demoralized.
Sure, it’s important to understand that our pasts have a real role in our present. Sometimes we do need to learn about the past to create an improved present and future for us. In the coaching mindset, the point is to learn, to understand, to grow versus dwell in or fix the past.
Consistently asking ‘why, why, why’ can become a pattern that can lead to taking a victim-like or helpless-like position, as in ‘why me?’ making it quite difficult to make changes and/or move forward in our present.
For example, can you feel the difference between these two questions?
Why can’t I do this right?
versus
What steps can I take to learn this?
Or these:
Why does this keep happening to me?
versus
What can I do to change this outcome?
What were your feelings after thinking about each question?
The Why can’t I do this right? question a may stem from taking a helpless-like position to the problem at hand. The Why does this keep happening to me? question may stem from taking a victim-like position. These positions, these thoughts, can lead to feelings such as guilt, shame, anger, and resentment – quite demoralizing feelings. Behaviors and results stem from our thoughts and feelings. A cycle of (thought) ‘why’ → (feeling) shame/demoralized/anger/resentment → (behavior) procrastination/digging heels in → (result) project falls behind schedule/you go silent, and nothing changes or talk behind closed doors to create a groupthink or similar cycle can have a weighted impact on your ability to be productive and to lead.
What are the questions to ask yourself for this mind trap?
Question 1: What is my intention of asking why? Is the question of ‘why?’ a pattern that keeps you stuck or is it a valid question to help solve a problem or understand a purpose?
Question 2: How can I reframe my ‘why’ question to ‘what’ or ‘how’? Reframing to ‘what’ or ‘how’ may lead you to be more proactive than reactive.
