Working through a mindset that traps you.

I worked with a leader with many strengths. He was bright, funny, and ambitious. He excelled at so many things. He noticed though that some of his behavior left him isolated from his team. After knowing him well and examining what was actually happening, it became clear that he also had some fear-based thinking that took the form of projection. He noticed in coaching that when he was afraid of failure or of being embarrassed, he began to think poorly of himself, which was unacceptable to him, so he threw that feeling onto members of his team and behaved as if they were thinking poorly of him. In reality his team thought highly of him and couldn’t understand why he was “accusing” them of those thoughts. It drove a wedge.

Once this pattern of thought, feeling, behavior became clear, he recognized that it was a pattern also used in his family. His family was close, but wedges were placed from time to time.

He practiced recognizing and acknowledging his thoughts and feelings and found trusted a colleague to help with reality checks. He saw the contexts the pattern emerged in and worked to counter the pattern. He even spoke to his team about it, which was vulnerable and humble. To his delight, they all supported him and said, “you’re human, it happens.” His relief was immense.

With his act of vulnerability, the team now speaks more openly about such matters. Working on himself created a higher level of trust and psychological safety in his team. He didn’t anticipate that, but he cherished the outcome.