Mind Traps - Part Two

Trapped by simple stories.[i]

As humans, we like our stories to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Have you ever watched a movie without a crisp ending or a television series that was unexpectedly cancelled without a clear ending for its characters? How does that make you feel? Uneasy, perplexed, angry….. Indeed. We like nice, neatly tied bows for endings.

We also tend to create simple characters in our lives – villains or heroes usually from a rather quick assessment. Sure – people can rub you the wrong way in an initial meeting. How often do we go back to them to see if our initial impression was valid? I’m including ourselves in this simple character creation. We tend to see ourselves as good and not recognize that we may be the ones that’s ‘rubbing someone the wrong way.’

In the real world though, there aren’t neat beginnings, middles, and ends. Life is ongoing. People aren’t villains and heroes – at least not all the time. Life and people are more complex than that, including ourselves.

When we’re trapped by simple stories, we miss essential information. We also tend to get hijacked from our past. We fill in the blanks with information from past experiences. For example – a real life conversation I had with a friend –

Me - “Did you meet Jim?”

Friend – “Yeah, he’s a jerk.”

Me – “Why?”

Friend – “He started telling me about his upcoming backpacking trip. My cousin backpacks and he’s such a jerk.”

Me – “How long did you talk to Jim, and did you talk about other stuff?”

Friend – “We spoke for a few minutes, but I got that vibe, so I got out of there.”

In this example, my friend villainized Jim only after a few minutes because he reminded him of a cousin, someone he doesn’t have a good relationship with.

Think about this mind trap for a few minutes. Do any examples from your life come up?

How can we counter the simple stories mind trap? Curious questions of course.

Question 1: How is the other person a hero? If we look and listen with that lens, we’d be more receptive.

Question 2: What are the multiple stories that may be happening? With this thought, we’re less attached to one story. We’re more open to several possibilities.

This is critical for leaders with direct reports. Getting trapped by labelling reports as villains or heroes makes for troubled team dynamics and those that can’t ever win. Moral and morale trap anyone?

[i] Meet the Mindtraps, Berger, Jennifer Garvey