An Emotional Regulation Story

A client came to see me because she was feeling overwhelmed. Upon exploration, she noticed it was when dealing with one specific person 90% of the time. Curious. What was happening between them?

It became clear that the other person struggled with emotional regulation. But he was not the one I was coaching, she was. We examined her reaction to many of their interactions. “He’s often anxious and fearful,” she said. “How do you know he’s anxious and fearful?”, I asked. “Because I can feel it too,” she said. I asked her, “At the end of the exchanges, how does he appear and how do you feel.” “He appears calmer, and I’m frazzled,” she said.

There’s more to the story but what appeared to be happening is known as projection identification.

He seemed to be projecting his emotions onto my client. She could identify with them. What transpires is this – he projects his emotions onto her, she identifies with them, and then takes on his emotions in addition to her own. He’s relieved and she’s frazzled. In essence, she’s feeling his emotions FOR him. This is an unconscious process, folks. No malice intent.

It got to the point where she began to automatically feel anxious and fearful just seeing him.

My client got on the balcony to see better. She leaned into empathy for her colleague. She began practices for her own emotional regulation including a healthy dose of self-awareness, cognitive reappraisal, particular strategies so she could be less reactive and more responsive, and setting boundaries.

With practice she noticed the 90% decrease to about 10%.

Brava!

If you’d like to speak about emotional regulation, or something else we can help you with, schedule a complimentary time.

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